"Time marches on"

I've got a lot on my mind lately, and I want to type a small bit of it out. This isn't in any particular order, so, er, yeah...

-The thing is, it still hurts. I felt so worthless because of: the timing, the way it was done, and the aftermath. I'm doing better, but it's really hard to forget about her face, when we have so many mutual friends, and for the fact that everywhere I go, I can remember a time we had there.

-I'm getting back in shape, and I'm happy about it. Might be a slow road, but I plan on improving myself.

-The other day, I noticed. I'm starting listening to some music I haven't listened to since middle school.

-I think way too much.

-Also, I write too much too.

-Without my friends, I'd surely have gone crazy by now.

-I can't wait to get Caseys bass amp. I'm dying to get back into playing bass.

-It's getting cold. I have a love/hate relationship with the cold.

-I loved Paranormal Activity.

-I wish I could sing well.

I'll be updating this more, I think...I hope.

It's all the same

regardless of who breaks up with who, everyone I ever get with finds someone better in the end.

God damn it, I don't know what to do.

My eyes are burning, my hands are shaking, my head hurts, my stomach aches.

I'm so hungry, so hungry that it feels like my stomach is eating itself, but I can't eat anything.

I can't sleep, I keep trying but to no success. I don't know what to do.

Just pretend this never happened.

"I like the way you look"

I too like the way you look

veins in your neck flooding and

those deliciously bony fingers under light of

midnight almond eyes -

you really feel what you play

you really feel what you're playing.

"Hah, you're pretty weird."

God damn it. Nevermind.

Do you ever think

that sometimes, it's all really for nothing?

Titles are sometimes too hard to come up with.

Lately, life's been a bit weird for me. Of course I haven't told anyone really, I'd rather not have anyone worry, or whatever. So I'll vent to you, dear reader, whoever you are.

I've realized how much I want...I mean, I already have so much, but I keep wanting more. I've been feeling like a control freak on top of that. My minds set on the future, because there's so many ways it could go, it feels insane. I miss a lot of people who really aren't in my life anymore. Writing is at a stalemate right now; I can't seem to come up with hardly anything worth keeping. I feel really lost right now, to be honest...completely lost.

I have no idea what to do with my life. It's just now hit me that I'm 18, legally an adult, but I feel far from it. There's still so very much to do, and it's just now getting to me. I just, don't know...Sorry for the repetition, but I have all these feelings and thoughts but I don't know how to put them down.

Long story short, I don't know where to go from here...

I feel like I can really relate to the song "People are Strange" by The Doors.

At least the new Dethklok cd leaked last night. That's a plus.

"Your belly is full, but your heart is a tomb"

It's been a few days, and to think I planned to update this every day. I've been a bit sick this past week, and haven't been able to do much without feeling completely drained. Now I'm sitting here with Matt joking about anything, and making fun of the videos on MTV2's Headbangers Ball. Good times, good times.

Everything's going well. Getting into new music, writing new stuff, I've always got ideas floating around in this head of mine.

Lately, I've been feeling really disconnected with life. I space out, and even though only a minute or two will pass, it feels like months to me. My mind is spinning with all the options I'm going to have to make soon, and all the possibilities my life could spiral into.

All my childhood, I spent wishing I was older. Now that I'm here, I wish I was a kid again, where the hardest part of the day was choosing what to play.

Why didn't I realize how awesome PSP's were earlier?

This thing here is a gift from the gods, I swear. Internet, radio, mp3s, pictures, games, etc. all in one. It's just the best gift ever I've ever recieved.

I'll post about it more later, I have games to play.

I really, honestly, didn't mean to rant so much.

Today, I've begun to realize a few things: People this day in age are way too materialistic, even the simplistic lyrics can mean the most, I need to shave, and I need to shave. Anyways, the first topic really gets to me. So many people only care about themselves and their objects. Back in the day, you were judged on how honest you were. Now you're judged on what kind of shoes you wear and how many different tasks your cell phone can do.

I can't stand the majority of people. So many things that people do annoy me, but I do well to hide it. If I told you everything that annoyed me, you'd tell me to get some help; to chill out and stop being so irritable. I can't help it, I've tried, believe me. Rather than going over some long list I'll just tell you some things that brings my piss to a boil.

People who chew with their mouth open.

What the hell are you, a goddamn cow? If I wanted to hear people chewing loudly, I'd visit an elementary school. I need this like I need an infected scrotum. /George Carlin reference.

People who don't get the difference in their, there, and they're. (Same with your and you're).

I mean, c'mon, it's really not that hard people. How do some of these people even get past middle school? I don't like being a grammar Nazi, but it just really annoys me.

People who assume I do drugs because I have long hair and listen to metal.

Firstly, I listen to a lot more than just metal. Back in the day (last year and before) I never got much sleep, so I'd have red eyes sometimes, so I can see how people thought that, but a lot just thought "Oh, long hair, he must do drugs or be a complete failure". What a surprise it must be to realize I'm not about to waste my time on killing my brain cells.

Oh, speaking of drugs, I really don't see the point. I have friends who drink, friends who smoke weed, and etc., but I really don't mind it. I'm not going to dictate their lives, and I expect likewise. I don't need any stimulants just to have a good time, and if I want a good time, I want to remember it.

I really didn't mean to rant this much, but it happens.

By the way, some documentaries really kick ass.

Thinking back: American History X

In case you don't know, American History X was a 1998 film directed by Tony Kaye (who normally directs music videos) and Edward Norton (who I loved in Fight Club). Anyways, the main plot of the film is that a disgruntled big brother Derek comes back home from prison, he realizes that everything was exactly as he left it.

Derek, his family, and his friends were all skinheads (AKA, neo-Nazi's) and that's what got Derek sent to jail in the first place. Two black men try to break into his car at night, he finds out, and kills them both on the street, wearing nothing but his underwear. Whilst in prison, he learns the error of his ways, blah blah blah, and realizes that it didn't get him anywhere, and all it can lead to is pain.

He tries to save his little brother Danny from the going down the same road he did, but Danny believes prison just made his brother soft. His friends start to dislike him, and even chase him down just for wanting to leave it all behind. I won't ruin the ending, but it really is worth the watch.

I grew up with a real.... discriminate (don't know if that's the right word to use) environment. Seeing this film at a friends house really opened my eyes to a lot. It's a pretty good film with a great message.

Yeah, I really didn't have much else to write about. I saw that this movie was on Encore or something today, and it made me think about it. Topics will get better later, I promise.

The honorary 1st post

Hello!

If you've stumbled onto my little site here, you'll be surprised to find quite varied topics of discussion. I plan to use this to post about many things: music, movies, television, people, and just day to day life...maybe some reviews by yours truly. Who knows? I guess you'll just have to wait and find out for yourself.

I named this blog "Consciousness Causes Collapse" after the song by Devin Townsend off his ambient album, "The Hummer". Besides Townsend being my biggest inspiration in just about everything dealing with the arts, I believe the title has a bit of truth to it, but I'll save my thoughts on that for another day.

So, I really don't have anything to post about today other than it seems like everyone around me is getting sick. My dad, Courtney, my peers, etc. I'm having quite terrible chest pains today. You see, I awoke to a bit of a fever and a pretty bad headache, and feeling like that, I decided not to attend school today, but I feel like I won't go tomorrow either if this keeps up. We'll see though...

I promise to post something tomorrow...some kind of topic. I just have to decide what that is though. Anyways, take care.